(FANFARE PLAYS)
(MUSIC: "DEVIL'S GALLOP" BY CHARLES WILLIAMS)
NARRATOR: At last the big screen comes of age
with the story they said could never be told.
Never before such scenes of torrid passion.
Never before such a galaxy of stars.
Provocative John Cleese as the mysterious quadruple agent
Clint Dog posture, master of disguise
wherever it was hottest he was there.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I feel I owe you some sort of explanation.
- (MUSIC: "SYMPHONY NO. 5" BY BEETHOVEN) - NARRATOR: Sultry Graham Chapman
as the slightly dedicated young intern, Dr Dan Tendril
What is it doctor?
I'm not sure, but I think it's Beethoven's fifth.
NARRATOR: Featuring rugged, husky Marty Feldman
as iron-fisted rancher Rock Thunderclap.
Who is this man?
Women throw themselves at him.
Women worship him...
drawn by the strange animal power they can sense in him.
He is brutal, he is ruthless and he is all man.
(IN AN EFFEMINATE VOICE): Yes, but I'm not a fanatic about it.
(VICTOR SYLVESTER MUSIC PLAYS)
NARRATOR: Springing to lusty life from the pages of Vernon Engloat's best seller
"A Boy's First Book of Cuttlefish"
Rediffusion humbly and lasciviously presents...
- At Last The 1948 Show! - (FANFARE PLAYS)
And introducing your hostesses for the night...
Aimi MacDonald and Mary Maud
Hello again. I'm Aimi MacDonald.
And I'm Mary Maud.
For the next half hour, we shall be wafting you around the world
on the magic carpet of song.
And as we wing our way from foggy London town
where better for our first port of call
than foggy Spain?
- Sunny Spain! - Yes.
(TRUMPET MUSIC PLAYS)
Excuse me.
Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Goodness me, weren't you on the plane on the way over?
- I thought I recognised you. - I never forget a face.
Nor do I!
- May I, uh... - Enchanté!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Here on holiday, are you? - Yes, yes, and you?
- Oh, yes. - Oh.
Well, there's a turn up!
I was wondering, do you have the right time?
I'm afraid I don't, I was about to ask you the same thing.
- Oh. - Uh...
Ahem, por favor señor
MAN 2: Señor.
Uh, señor por favor?
Gracias... ahem!
Beg pardon. Were you gentlemen addressing me?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oh, goodness me, weren't you two on the plane on the way over?
That's right, fancy you remembering that.
Never forget a face, well there's a turn up!
ALL: Well, well, well, well, well!
- Oh, do you mind if I join you? - Oh, no.
Take a pew, always room for a little'un.
Oh, weren't you gentlemen on the plane on the way over?
That's right, thought I recognised you.
- Here on holiday, are you? - Uh, yes.
- And you? - Oh, yes.
- Well there's a coincidence. - (HE LAUGHS)
Ah, the vino. Gracias.
Uh, would you gentlemen care to join me?
ALL: Won't say no.
ALL: Santé!
And which part of the world do you hail form then?
Oh, I'm from Bristol.
Oh, yes, I thought you were.
I can always place a man by his accent.
I'm from Wimbledon.
Yes, what about you? Where are you from then?
I'm from Edinburgh.
Uh, Edinburgh, yes.
Funny, you don't sound like a Scotty.
No, well I spent most of my life in Cardiff.
Oh, that explains it.
Yes, that would explain it.
- Say "A". - "A".
Yes, whereas we Londoners would pronounce it quite differently.
- We'd say "A". - "A".
- Yeah.
- How would you say it in, uh... - Uh, Manchester.
- Manchester. - Uh, we'd say "A".
Ah, well there you are then, yeah.
Well, that's very interesting.
- Who said that? - It wasn't me.
- No? - It must have been me then.
Thought I recognised the voice.
Well, we haven't introduced each other formally.
My name's Sidney Lotterby.
Oh, there's a turn up. My name's Sidney Lotterby.
- So's mine. - And mine!
Well, isn't it a coincidence, all being called Sidney Lotterby?
Who said that?
- Oh, it must have been me again. - No, it was me.
No, no. It was me, I felt my lips move.
Well, what's your line of business, Mr Lotterby?
ALL: Wholesale greengrocery.
Really?
All three of you? Well, isn't that a coincidence?
I'm a barrister.
Funny, you don't sound like a barrister.
Well I used to be a wholesale greengrocer.
You don't sound like a wholesale greengrocer.
I'd have put you down as a barrister.
Oh, fancy that.
Three wholesale greengrocers and a barrister, all called Sidney Lotterby.
Well, it takes all sorts to make a world.
- That's what I always say. - I always say that.
- So do I. - Me too. Yes.
ALL: it takes all sorts to make a world.
Well, forgive me saying this but I was admiring your, uh... shirt.
Oh, thank you very much. I was in fact
casting a few envious glances at your apparel.
- So was I. - Me too.
It's not everybody's taste, but I like something a little bit different.
It would be a sad old world if we all liked the same thing.
(MURMURS OF AGREEMENT)
- Well, Mr Lotterby... - ALL: Call me Sidney.
Well, Sidney. I must be toddling.
ALL: Time and tide wait for no man!
Just, just waiting for the little lady to come down.
Yes, so am I.
- Come on Sidney, we'll be late! - Coming dear!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - ALL: Well there's a coincidence.
AIMI: And as our magic carpet whisks us away from a sun-baked Sierro
we say "adios" to sunny Spain.
MARY: And where better for our next port of call than foggy London.
MARTY: Clothes pegs, genuine gypsy clothes pegs.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Good luck sir, you've got a lucky face, sir.
Genuine gypsy clothes pegs, sir. Only nine pence, sir. Good luck, sir.
JOHN CLEESE: No you dirty, grotty little man. Go away.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
MARTY: Got a lucky face, sir. Lucky face, sir.
Nine pence, sir. Gypsy clothes pegs.
- JOHN: Go away or I shall call the army. - Yes sir, good luck, sir.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
JOHN: Keep them away from me, you filthy little man.
MARTY: Lucky genuine gypsy clothes pegs, sir.
JOHN: What do you mean "lucky, genuine, gypsy clothes pegs"?
It's probably made in Italy.
MARTY: Lucky, genuine, Italian, gypsy clothes pegs, sir.
JOHN: Go away you filthy, horrible, dirty, ugly, disgusting
diseased clothes-peg vendor.
Urgh!
(SOMETHING CLATTERS)
JOHN: What do you think you're doing?
MARTY: Lucky gypsy kicks, a shilling, sir.
JOHN: What do you mean, a shilling?
I'll not give you a shilling for kicking me!
(JOHN YELLS)
MARTY: Lucky gypsy poke in the eye, two and nine, sir.
JOHN: Oh, my eye!
(CRUMPLING NOISE)
MARTY: Lucky gypsy trample on your hat, sir.
Gypsy boot through your hat. Nothing luckier than that! There you are.
- JOHN: it was my mother's! - MARTY: Old gypsy saying, sir.
Lucky gypsy punch in the belly, a shilling, sir.
Lucky gypsy karate chop, one and nine.
Lucky gypsy robbery with violence, sir.
Good luck, sir. Oh, God, you're a right toff, sir.
You're a real toff, sir. Good luck, sir.
You made an old gypsy very happy, sir.
May fortune smile on you, sir.
(FANFARE PLAYS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
AIMI: Oh, how horrid!
MAUD: Well, all's well that ends well.
AIMI: And now...
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS)
(TIM SINGS): # Arrivederci Roma #
# What's my... #
- (LOUD RECORDED APPLAUSE) - Thank you.
Thank you very much indeed, you're very kind.
And now we'd like to sing a number that's a special favourite of ours
and we hope that one or two of you might just remember it.
- (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
# She, I'd be wooing #
# When I do get weary #
- (LOUD RECORDED APPLAUSE) - (INAUDIBLE SONG LYRICS)
Thank you very much indeed, you're very, very kind and now...
for my last number.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
We'd like to do a song that's been very lucky for us.
# Another bride, another groom #
- (LOUD RECORDED APPLAUSE) - (INAUDIBLE LYRICS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(LOUD RECORDED APPLAUSE)
(LOUD RECORDED APPLAUSE CONTINUES)
TIM: Thank you, you're very kind. Thank you, I'd love to go on
but... no, thank you, thank you.
I'd love to go on all night, but, well...
time presses on. You're very sweet and wonderful, thank you.
Thank you so much.
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
AIMI: Well, that brings us to the end of the show.
MARY: No, it doesn't.
AIMI: No, it doesn't bring us to the end of the show.
COURT USHER: Be up-standing.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(FANFARE PLAYS)
COURT USHER: Be seated.
Call the accused.
(USHER WAILS INAUDIBLY)
COURT USHER: You are Arnold Fitch?
ARNOLD FITCH: Definitely, yes.
COURT USHER: You are hereby charged that on the 14th day of July
in the 1966th year of Our Lord
you did wilfully, unlawfully, and with malice aforethought
assault one Sidney Bottle, a dwarf.
How plead you? Guilty or not guilty?
ARNOLD: Definitely not guilty.
PROSECUTION: M'lud, in this case
my learned friend Mr Maltravers appears for the defence
and I appear for the money.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - The case would appear
a very simple one, m'lud.
The prosecution will endeavour to show that the snivelling, depraved, cowardly...
- blaggard... - DEFENCE: M'lud, I must object
to my client being referred to as a "blaggard".
- PROSECUTION: Would you accept "wretch"? - Oh, yes. Very good.
PROSECUTION: Snivelling, depraved, cowardly wretch
whom you see cowering in the dock, drove home on the night of 14th July
in a particularly vicious and unpleasant frame of mind
had words with his wife, and then deliberately assaulted his pet ostrich
by throwing a watering can at it.
JUDGE: A what?
PROSECUTION: A watering can, m'lud.
The watering can, a large cylindrical, tin-plated vessel
with a perforated pouring piece
much used by the lower classes
for the purpose of artificially moistening the surface soil.
Thank you, Mr Bartlett. Your knowledge is inexhaustible.
Very gracious m'lud, if I may continue.
- The ostrich... - The what?
The ostrich, m'lud. An ostrich.
A large hairy flightless bird resident in Africa
and remarkable for its speed in running and much prized for its feathers.
Mm... a kind of cat?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
No, m'lud. if I may continue...
The ostrich, taking fright, flew through the window
and landed on a passing ice-cream cart.
A what cart?
Ice-cream cart, m'lud. Ice-cream.
An artificial cream substitute, sweetened, flavoured and frozen
originally invented by the Mohican Indians as an antidote to trench foot.
- Remarkable. - Thank you, m'lud.
- If I may be allowed to continue. - Mm-hm.
Landed on the passing ice-cream cart, thereby causing a small dollop...
- A what? - (SHOUTING): A dollop!
- (HE COUGHS) - A what?
- A dollop. - Ah!
- Thereby causing a small dollop... - (BODY THUDS)
Thereby causing a small portion of ice-cream
to fall on the plaintive, Mr Sidney Bottle, a dwarf
who was hopping past at the time.
Thereby soiling Mr Bottle's new suit.
Now, those quite simply are the facts of the case, m'lud.
With your permission, I should now like to call the first witness.
- JUDGE: Certainly. - Call Percy Molar.
(USHER WAILS): Calling Percy Molar!
PERCY: 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. How do?
PROSECUTION: You are Percy Molar?
(PERCY STUTTERS): That's correct, that's correct
- You're a company director of no fixed abode. - PERCY: Yes!
PROSECUTION: You are also...
- You are also a music hall comedian. - I am.
- Are you married? - PERCY: Yes, I am, yes I am. My wife.
PROSECUTION: Will you, in your own words please, Mr Molar
describe your wife to this court?
PERCY: My wife, my wife, she's got everything a man could want...
beard, big muscles, hairy chest...
PROSECUTION: Thank you, thank you, Mr Molar.
And would I be right in thinking that your wife has, comparatively recently...
- visited the West Indies? - PERCY: Yes.
- PROSECUTION: Jamaica? - DEFENCE: Objection!
PROSECUTION: I'm sorry, m'lud.
I withdraw that question.
Mr Molar, will you kindly describe your wife's teeth?
PERCY: No, she went of her own accord, I thank you!
PROSECUTION: No, listen very carefully to the question please, Mr Molar.
Will you kindly describe your wife's teeth?
PERCY: My wife's teeth, my wife's teeth, they are like stars...
they come out at night! I thank you, wait, no!
PROSECUTION: No, but seriously though, Mr Molar
I put it to you that your mother-in-law is bald.
- I agree at once, bald. - PROSECUTION: And would I be correct
- in assuming... - DEFENCE: Objection!
PROSECUTION: I hope my learned friend is not going to lead.
- DEFENCE: I am not! - PROSECUTION: Right.
- Did your mother-in-law... - DEFENCE: Objection!
- PROSECUTION: Does your... - DEFENCE: Objection!
- Can... - Objection!
- Objection!
PROSECUTION: Objection!
JUDGE: Advantage Bartlett.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
PROSECUTION: Mr Molar, what has happened to your bald mother-in-law recently?
PERCY: My bald mother-in-law, she's had rabbits.
A rabbit tattooed on her bald head
because at a distance they may look like...
- hairs! - PROSECUTION: Thank you!
PERCY: Rabbits! Hares!
- PROSECUTION: Thank you. - PERCY: Bunny rabbits.
PROSECUTION: Did you then see the ostrich fly out the window
and land on the passing ice-cream cart
thereby causing a small portion of ice-cream to fall on Mr Bottle?
- PERCY: Yes. - PROSECUTION: No further questions.
JUDGE: You may leave the court, Mr Molar.
PERCY: Very kind, m'lud, but before I go, I'd like to finish
by singing a very, very lovely old English ballad.
A ballad, "Entitty, I tittled..."
"...I can't get enough of a girl like you, so I'll have to get up and go round."
- Now then wait! - JUDGE: We don't wish to know about...
Would you kindly leave the court?
PERCY: You're very kind, m'lud...
("SHAVE AND A HAIR CUT" STING PLAYS)
PROSECUTION: Call Arnold Fitch!
(USHER WAILS): Calling Arnold Fitch!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(USHER WAILS): Calling Arnold Fitch!
(USHER CONTINUES WAILING)
- PROSECUTION: You are Arnold Fitch? - (USHER CONTINUES WAILING)
- PROSECUTION: You are... - (USHER CONTINUES WAILING)
(USHER WAILS, SCREAMS, THEN FALLS SILENT)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
PROSECUTION: Now you are Arnold Fitch, alias Arnold Fitch?
ARNOLD: Yes.
PROSECUTION: Why is your alias the same as your real name?
ARNOLD: Because it's easier to remember.
PROSECUTION: Um, you are a company director?
ARNOLD: Of course!
PROSECUTION: Did you throw the watering can?
ARNOLD: No!
PROSECUTION: I suggest that you threw the watering can.
- ARNOLD: I did not! - PROSECUTION: I put it to you
- that you threw the watering can. - ARNOLD: I didn't!
(PROSECUTION SHOUTS): I submit that you threw the watering can!
- ARNOLD: No! - PROSECUTION: Did you or did you not
- throw the watering can? - ARNOLD: I did not!
(PROSECUTION YELLS LOUDER): Yes or no?
Did you throw the watering can?
- ARNOLD: No! - PROSECUTION: Answer the question!
- ARNOLD: I did not throw it! - PROSECUTION: So he denies it!
- (USHER WAILS) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
PROSECUTION: Very well, Mr Fitch.
Very well, Mr Fitch. Would you be...
surprised to hear that you had thrown the watering can?
ARNOLD: Yes!
PROSECUTION: And do you deny not throwing the watering can?
- ARNOLD: Yes! - PROSECUTION: Ha! Ha!
- ARNOLD: No! - PROSECUTION: Very well, Mr Fitch.
Would it be true to say, Mr Fitch, that you are lying
if you denied that it was false to affirm
that it belied you to deny that it was untrue that you were lying?
(SILENCE)
PROSECUTION: Ha! Ha! Ha! You hesitate, Mr Fitch!
An answer please, the court is waiting!
(PROSECUTION LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
- ARNOLD: Yes! - (PROSECUTION STOPS LAUGHING ABRUPTLY)
- PROSECUTION: What? - ARNOLD: Yes.
- Yes? - Yes!
PROSECUTION: Damn! Damn! Damn!
- May we have Exhibit "A" please, m'lud? - Exhibit "A".
(CRASHING AND BANGING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- (CRASHING AND BANGING) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(CRASHING AND BANGING CONTINUES)
- (AUDIENCE ROARS WITH LAUGHTER) - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
PROSECUTION: Now then, Mr Fitch.
Think very carefully, please.
Have you ever seen this before?
- ARNOLD: No! - PROSECUTION: No further questions.
(USHER MAKES HIGH PITCHED SQUEAKS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(HIGH PITCHED SQUAWKING)
ARNOLD: No, wait a minute!
- (USHER MAKES HIGH PITCHED SQUEAKS) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(CRASHING AND BANGING)
(USHER SHRIEKS)
PROSECUTION: Mr Fitch, I repeat...
have you ever seen this before?
ARNOLD: Yes, he brought it in a moment ago!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(CRASHING AND BANGING)
PROSECUTION: Call Sidney Bottle!
Just once!
(USHER WAILS): Calling Sidney Bottle!
- (USHER SHRIEKS) - (HEAVY THUD)
PROSECUTION: So you are Sidney Bottle?
You are presumably a company director
you are also a dwarf.
Now will you tell the court, please, Mr Bottle
on the night of 14th July...
Mr Bottle?
Ah, there he is. Could we give Mr Bottle something to stand on, m'lud?
Like a box or a large pile of BOAC tickets?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- PROSECUTION: Now Mr Bottle... - (HEAVY THUD)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(HIGH PITCHED VOICE SQUEAKS)
- PROSECUTION: Now Mr Bottle, on the night of the...
(HEAVY THUD)
PROSECUTION: There you are Mr Bottle, how nice to see you.
Now, will you tell the court, please, Mr Bottle, on the night in question
just exactly how drunk were you?
- (HIGH PITCHED VOICE SQUEAKS) - PROSECUTION: Come, come, Mr Bottle
you're not going to claim you were sober?
Mr Bottle, I have proof here as what's been thrown up.
- (MR BOTTLE RANTS SQUEAKILY) - PROSECUTION: I cannot continue
if this ridiculous noise continues to be made!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
- (MR BOTTLE RANTS) - PROSECUTION: Take him off!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING CONTINUES)
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
NARRATOR: Next week's 1948 show will be seen on Wednesday
at the earlier time of ten past nine.
That was a Rediffusion London production.